What the hell just happened, y’all?
4:10 AM–dream that toddlerchild has been turned into a seal. No, that’s just the melodious sounds of his barking cough coming through the monitor.
4:10-? Toss. Turn. Contemplate
the meaning of life what to wear to work.
5:51 AM. Snap to full attention. Was that? Did he? Is he? CRYING? Check monitor. He’s standing up?! WTF?!
5:53 AM Try to convince fully alert toddler that it’s still night time.
5:54 AM Give up. Go through ten step process to bring Barney to life without my glasses, while doing the pee dance because I was so flustered with the whole thing I forgot the most important first step. (New moms and future breeders, take heed: always, ALWAYS, pee first. Your child will not notice the thirty-second delay, and you never know when that chance will come again.)
5:55 AM-7:35 AM Take two hours to make it out of the house because I am fumbling around in a stupor, half doing ten tasks at once while being verbally berated by an indignant midget who has somehow decided that this whole undertaking is somehow my fault. (On the way to daycare, he screeched at me to TURN OFF THE SUN, MAMA. If only I could, buddy.)
It’s a good thing I used those early morning hours to decide on a very simple dress and heels for work, because I could not have been expected to make it out of the house wearing both a shirt and pants today.
Have a lovely Friday.