There's a Child Out Here, People. That's the Reality.

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I’m sorry May 10, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — aggieonboard @ 7:20 pm

Dear A,

I’m sorry. I worry that your recent bouts of aggression are the result of the upheaval and tension in your life. You’ve been trying to hit me (in the face, no less) and your dad says you have been brandishing your wooden spoon like a weapon under his care. Today, you bit your girlfriend’s face at daycare (and not in a good way).

I’m so sorry for the ways I’ve failed you. We moms are quick to martyr ourselves over the veggie to french fry ratio in our kids’ diets or the amount of Nick Jr they watch, but this is a deeper fail. I failed to create a loving and safe home for you, where you could thrive and see your parents as the model of how a man and woman should love each other.

I’m sorry we don’t always know where your favorite shirt is, or who has the flip cam. I’m sorry you never know who’s picking you up. I’m sorry you don’t just have one bed, one bathtub, one safe place.

I’m sorry that I couldn’t, that I wouldn’t, make it work. I’m sorry that I had to put myself first. I hope some day you can understand why.

I love you so much. I hope you know that, even though I only get to be with you half of the time. Know that it kills me to be apart from you. That I wish every single day that it could have been different, that I could tuck you in each night and see your face each morning.

I am so, so sorry.

All my love,

Mama

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16 Responses to “I’m sorry”

  1. stephaniekb Says:

    I hate that it is so hard. That, despite making the best decision for you, it still is so painful. A will be a balanced, well-adjusted boy, I think the aggression thing is just a phase, L had it too. He loves you and he will love you for taking care of yourself and giving him a happy home that doesn’t have the pain and tension.

    • aggieonboard Says:

      Really? Sweet little L was a tiny terrorist? That makes me feel better. I hope you’re right.

  2. jenmm Says:

    A knows that you love him and that is the most important thing in the world. My bil and his wife are going through a similar situation and I firmly believe, myself coming from a divorced family, that it is better to see mom and dad apart and happy than together and miserable. You are teaching your son all the right lessons even if it doesn’t always feel like it.

  3. Miranda Says:

    I’m sure that the aggression is a phase. In fact, I’m positive of it.

    As for your feelings, I don’t think there’s any right way to feel right now. A will grow up a well-adjusted, loved little boy and he will realize that you did what you did for him, because you love him.

    Because, really, this is about A. He can’t grow up to be well-adjusted if he’s growing up in a house where it’s obvious his parents don’t love each other. This will be his “normal.” And he will be fine.

    If you ever need ANYTHING, I’m only an email away.

  4. Rachel Says:

    When I worked at the daycare with babies between 12 and 18 months, they almost all bit and hit. (One little girl purposely threw her head back to slam into my nose when I was holding her.) It’s probably just a phase.

    I know things aren’t going according to plan, but Andrew has two parents who love him and care for him, and he has that going for him even if they don’t live in the same house.

    I’m sorry things are so hard right now, but I know you’re going to keep doing your best and that Andrew is going to turn out just fine.

    • aggieonboard Says:

      I’m so glad you told me that about the sumo babies. And thanks for your support. It really means a lot.

  5. Bada Says:

    The Mommy Guilt rips you apart too, huh? I could’ve written this 3 days ago. I have panic attacks thinking about the day L asks me about his Dad, why we aren’t together, etc etc etc. It has to get easier some day, right? *Hugs*

  6. It does get easier. I promise.

  7. Christine Says:

    :big big hugs:
    You have NOT failed A. He has two parents who love him very much. Period. End of story.
    He might be confused right now, but you both seem to be doing what you need to to be sure that he knows that Mommy and Daddy love him. If you need further proof of that, scroll down and read your “What a Great Day” post again. And again. What I see in that post is a well adjusted, happy kid.
    :more big hugs:

  8. Laurie Says:

    Hey…I stumbled on this via random googling, and found it really interesting to read. I come from the other end of the spectrum – the parents that took me in and stayed together despite it being a bad move – so in a way I can understand the – fear, l guess. Just wanted to say good luck, and – dyou mind if l link to this on my blog? I collect interesting blog links to read over etc…

  9. Laurie Says:

    My blog? http://www.poeticdistaste.wordpress.com
    I’m trying to get back into writing, and stuff like this helps get in touch with characters. The – details, so to speak. Those little things I won’t know from experience. And honestly, you write with a certain sense of – reality. It’s there, and you’re dealing. At least in the few entries I’ve read. Been enjoying that. 🙂

  10. My youngest used to throw his head against my chest whenever he was upset. Man, it would hurt. But he eventually stopped doing it. Keep to your routines as much as possible and it will help.

  11. purebebe Says:

    From your posts that I’ve read, you are doing a beautiful job with your gorgeous little boy! Every young child goes through aggressive behavior at some point or another. My 2 year old did, too. I stumbled upon your blog today in the “up and coming wordpress blogs” and it caught my eye because yours has the same look and feel as mine! And, ironically enough, it’s about raising your little guy (similar to my blog). Mine is PureBebe.wordpress.com – I recently started writing about all types of healthy baby topics – stories, products, etc. Anyhow, nice to meet you and keep up the great work!!

  12. mom Says:

    this made me cry that you worry so much. A is fine, and though he loves for his momma to pick him up from daycare, he has many people who love him and as long as he has puffs and a drink he will get in the care seat. He is fine and will be fine, it is just hard for you because you love him. I hate it when you pull out of the driveway. That is just a mom thing. Love you.


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