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Basketball is dumb. March 18, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — aggieonboard @ 9:10 pm

This isn’t baby related  so it will be a welcome detour for some of my more testosterone-prone readers.

I hate basketball. This is not an issue since most other people seem to ignore it except for a couple of weeks in late March. Now every Tom, Dick, and IT Guy are standing around the water cooler, suddenly transformed into expert analysts as they painstakingly fill out brackets based on extensive research or, more likely, alphabetical order. Luckily for me,  Mr. Aggie realizes an actual sport looms on the horizon and is generally immune to the hype. I did find a bracket on the dining room table today, and I must admit I had a pang of “I hardly know you!” at the betrayal.

Because my TV has momentarily been hijacked by a Celtics game (that is almost over, thank goodness) I bring you an extensive diatribe about why I hate this “sport.” A more pointless athletic event I cannot imagine, save for perhaps the shot put. Ten guys run back and forth on a small court trying to get a ball through a hoop as many times as possible. It’s a game a monkey can understand with minimal explanation and no visuals. Not even a smart monkey; I’m talking about the dumb poop throwing variety.

But what irritates me most about the slighty-evolved track meet isn’t the simplicity, it’s the duration. When points are scored rapidly and few variables are present, there is no reason for any athletic contest to last sixty minutes. Unless it’s the Celtics vs. Special Olympics, every single game comes down to the last two minutes. Why can’t we just start there?  Basketball is the Chinese water torture of sports.

Baseball–now that’s a real sport. It takes 22 guys to make it work (ok, you don’t have to count the guy out in left field, but you know what I mean). Entire games of basketball can be won by one out of ten guys (see: Kobe). Baseball takes an entire fleet of finely-tuned athletic specimens and a potentially overweight pitcher. Every pitch changes the game in some way; it’s a hitter’s count or a pitcher’s, baserunners are going or trying to fake you out. You don’t know how long the game will last and the better team can always lose.

There’s a whole other element to baseball that basketball lacks: the weather. No one’s ever going to lose a critical basketball game because of an influx of flying bugs. No one’s going to slide in mud or try to keep his pitching hand dry in the rain. That’s another thing that irritates me: basketball players don’t even get dirty. You shouldn’t get paid millions of dollars to play a sport in which you could just febreeze your uniform and wear it again the next day.

People who love baseball, who really love it, are scholars of the game. You can study it every day for decades and still not understand all the intricacies or know all the stats. Baseball is an art; basketball is fingerpainting day at preschool.

Dear Lord this game is in overtime. Shoot me now.

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12 Responses to “Basketball is dumb.”

  1. Rachel Says:

    Well, clearly, I disagree with you, but I think baseball is dumb (and boring), so we’re even.

    And at least you’re not disparaging America’s actual pasttime, football.

  2. Loretta Says:

    College basketball only lasts 40 minutes. 🙂 And I agree with Rachel, baseball is dumb.

  3. mrs.maybride Says:

    I could not agree with you more, aggie. I cannot stand basketball, but there is nothing quite like drinking a cold beer on a hot day and watching my team run around the bases. Nothing like it at all. Until football season, and then I become another person entirely, probably due the amount of beer consumed before kickoff.

    And in terms of ridiculously pointless “sports,” let’s not leave out curling. That “sport” has even made it into the Olympics and how, exactly, is totally beyond me.

  4. nlvaden Says:

    Amen- and to the whoever that is that hates baseball? The only thing i have to say is “how could you?” Baseball is what America was built on. :::Hangs head to cry:::

  5. Yolanda Says:

    Well, I agree that basketball is a pretty “basic” sport; however, it’s much more exciting than the ever-lasting game of swing-the-bat…miss…swing-the-bat….ahhh, I hit it!…run (or jog cause I’m a bit thick and chunky)…SLIDE!! (the one bit of excitement offered by the game)…CRAP! I’m out…he “tagged” me…

    In “the game’s” defense, it was quite exciting when I watched my little one playing. All of those tiny tots running around kept everyone’s attention…afterall, they were very cute 3 and 4 year olds and the games only lasted 30 minutes at the most!

  6. Alyssa Says:

    I must say that I am forced to love it, but adore baseball as well. I shall give you a more complete response on the board now. 🙂

  7. greenclown Says:

    I agree wholeheartedly.

    17 days until opening day!

  8. Rachel Says:

    Yolanda, you forgot swing-the-bat . . . miss . . . step back from the plate, do seven practice swings . . . step back up to the plate . . . step back from the plate, practice swing . . . spit . . . step back up to the plate . . . the pitcher pretends he’s going to throw to 2nd base if the guy there is acting like he’s going to steal . . . the pitcher turns back to home . . . the pitcher throws to second . . . the pitcher turns back to home . . . the batter steps back from the plate . . . .

  9. aggieonboard Says:

    Rachel, I knew you’d take umbrage but I had to get this out there. I don’t see how you can belittle the mind games that go on between pitcher and batter–it’s fascinating. They’re both trying to get in the other’s head and trying to guess the other’s next move. Since we’re both cerebral people, I’ll put it like this:

    Baseball is to chess as basketball is to ping pong.

  10. Rachel Says:

    Have you ever seen Olympic-level ping pong? That stuff is SWEET. Much more fun to watch, I submit, than televised chess.

  11. Craig Says:

    I STRONGLY object to any disparagement of curling.


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