Operation Eviction January 26, 2009

Though I have made a tiny bit of progress, we still need to open the escape hatch a little more for Lenny to be able to exit. Thus, we’re getting admitted tomorrow night at 8:00 to try a couple of more treatments before the Pitocin Police roll in Wednesday morning.

This is good news because it means we should be safely at the hospital before the icing starts. Not sure what will happen with the grandparents traveling but we’re going to work that out later tomorrow.

Random notes: Tomorrow night’s dinner was going to just be hotdogs for me since Mr. Aggie should be at class, but in light of recent events I’m voting to upgrade since it will be my Last Supper until Lenny’s living large on the outside. Suggestions?

Also, during today’s visit, Dr. Doom said the creepiest sentence ever uttered in my presence: “I’m touching your baby’s head through the bag of waters.”

Creepy, I tell you.

I hope we don’t have to do the walk of shame. January 21, 2009

Contractions are still less than 5 minutes apart. They don’t hurt very much, but they’ve been consistent for over six hours so we probably need to let the nurses have a looksee. I’ve got a call into the on-call doctor.

We’re getting the rest of our stuff together now. I’m trying not to get too excited, because I’m pretty sure if I do I will pee myself. And puke. I’d like to save both of those for later in this adventure.

Mr. Aggie says the hospital has wifi so I’ll be updating as soon as possible. Hopefully it will be to say we’re having a baby, not to say that the nurses laughed at us and sent us home.

I have the Westin of Uteruses (Uteri?) January 19, 2009

Yeah, this kid isn’t coming any time soon. Dr. Doom will evict him/her next Wednesday (one week overdue) and I don’t forsee anything happening before then.

I’m really bummed about going back to work, mostly because none of my clothes fit and my feet swell like giant sausages (as you’ve seen). I don’t mind letting Lenny stay another week if it means I get to lay around all day, but this is not the case.

We’re going to start taking some measures to make me more ‘favorable’ for induction that will probably accomplish nothing except screwing up my schedule. I’ll have to go to the hospital daily for a medication that’s supposedly going to help soften my cervix in a way that Hallmark movies can’t, then get checked out the next day by Dr. Doom, then repeat.

This kid is so grounded.

I tried that once… January 2, 2009

Mr. Aggie and I are about to go to dinner (since how many more times will we get that chance without drama?) but I had to share this while it was still fresh in my memory.

We just finished assembling the bouncer (a fine piece of Fisher-Price engineering held together by four screws  and a prayer) and I was reviewing the more asinine points of the instruction manual. I read aloud my favorite ones to him:

Hint: The square end of the toy bar fits into the square socket and the circular end of the toy bar fits into the circular socket.

And the safety warnings:

Never use on a soft surface (bed, sofa, cushion).

Never use as a carrier or lift while child is seated.

Never use as a car seat.

Here’s where it gets interesting:

Me: Dispose of batteries safely. Do not dispose of this product in a fire. The batteries inside may explode or leak. Who the hell would do that?

Him: “I did that with batteries once. They exploded. Just AA’s though. Never tried it with D’s. We were camping. It was sweet.”

My next thought: If that’s what he did, what will Lenny do?

Here we go December 22, 2008

Funny, when you’re almost fully baked you can’t even say something like that without people’s eyes getting big and the color draining from their faces. Mr. Aggie and I have decided we need some type of code word/phrase for when it’s time for the big show so he’s not having heart palpitations every time I grimace.  I’m all about “Thundercats are go!” from Juno, but we haven’t decided.  Suggestions are welcome.

What I meant by the title is that today marks a new chapter in my OB care.  As of today’s visit (2:25 central time) I have to start going weekly. That’s no big deal. The part that I’m not fond of is that I no longer have the privilege of wearing pants during said visits. I’ve asked Dr. Doom if we can skip the internals for a few weeks, since they’re basically pointless. Since he likes to torture innocent pregnant ladies (and possibly kittens) he denied my appeal. He says he likes to make sure the baby is still head down.  I wish we could wait; I know I’m just going to be bummed for no reason if there’s no progress (which there shouldn’t be at this point anyway, but I’m an overachiever like that) or excited for no reason if the locks have loosened on Lenny’s escape hatch (even though it could stay that way for four more weeks).

My mom is coming to this visit, since she’s never met Dr. Doom. She felt the need to meet all my prom dates/boyfriends/lab partners so I shouldn’t be surprised. If you knew my mom, you’d understand why I’m a little skittish. Here’s an example that is burned into my psyche forever: at the eighth grade dance (an event of paramount pubescent importance), while my friends and I stood awkwardly along the wall, waiting to be noticed, my mom was in the middle of the dance floor. Surrounded by all the eighth grade boys. Teaching them to do the twist. I’m still traumatized.

Anyway, back to reality. I wish she had come to an earlier one (you know, where no one probed my ladybits) but there’s nothing I can do now. If I tried to deny her entry at this point she’d just stage (another) sit-in, and once the news crews gets involved it gets ugly.

In other news, Mr. Aggie made it home fine yesterday. He spent the weekend helping his aunt take care of her two little boys and she reports that he was an awesome fill-in dad. I had no doubts.

Now that we’re all up to speed, I’m off to run some errands with mom and then get felt up by a 50 year old man. I’ll be back later with another thrilling update.

Yet another date with Dr. Doom December 8, 2008

‘Twas a surprisingly uneventful meeting.  I got weighed (up only three pounds since the week before Thanksgiving, woot!), tried to bribe the nurses to skip the post-Christmas weigh in (no go), peed in the cup (which is becoming surprisingly difficult).  Found out this is the last visit I get to keep my pants on for.  Starting next time, week 36, he’s apparently going to start shaking hands with Lenny weekly. Lovely.

Dr. Doom reports that the baby has grown since the ultrasound, but he doesn’t want to start worrying about our delivery options until week 38  (four weeks from now).  I’m all about beginning to worry as soon as possible, but he’s making me hold off.  He did confirm that he doesn’t do episiotomies (if you don’t know what that is, don’t Google it. You’ve been warned…) and then he said he really hopes I go early once I’m full term. That’s not sounding too bad at this point to me, either.  We just have to hope Baby Bighead is on board with the early exit plan.

Sleeping is getting more and more difficult and uncomfortable. The stretch marks are audacious enough to start spreading to areas I can actually see them (bastards).  Ankles are disappearing. Eyelids are drooping at 6:30 p.m.

We’ve still got six weeks left, people. Everyone have their helmets?

We’re going to be the best parents ever! December 3, 2008

Right before heading off to Dreamland last night, Mr. Aggie and I were having a hypothetical discussion about how we would react if Susie wanted to play with trucks or Timmy wanted to play with dolls. The Timmy situation was a bit more dodgy. Here’s how the conversation went down:

Me: What if Timmy wanted to play with dolls?

Mr. Aggie, with a stern face: We’d have A Talk.

Me: You mean, we’d discreetly redirect his interests?

Him: Yeah, and say “Don’t be a homo.”

Sidenote: Mr. Aggie is the least homophobic person I know. The above statement was intended for comedic purposes only and does not reflect a need for Mr. Aggie to be ‘re-educated’ by hateful blog comments.

Not sleeping sucks. December 2, 2008

If  I was able to sleep, I’d be able to invent a more interesting title. As it stands, I’ve had two successive nights of minimal snooze. Sunday night’s failure was the result of stressing about Mr. Aggie and his amazing procrastination skillz. He stayed up all night (literally) writing a paper, and I woke up every hour or so wondering when he would finally come to bed.

Then last night, my beloved spouse snored, snorted, groaned, flopped, and any other verb you can think of that would disrupt one’s sleep-ed. Lenny also conspired to ruin my night by turning himself sideways (ouch!) and staying that way until I got up. I think he might have flipped and may now be breech, but since I can’t see him I’m not sure.

So here I sit, sipping peppermint tea, listening to Kenny G Christmas carols while the kids read silently, hoping I can make it through the day without killing someone. It’s not looking good.

Oh, and if one more person tells me to “get used to it” or “imagine how it will be when the baby gets here!” I will throat punch them.

Christmas decorations! November 29, 2008

We’re at my grandparents house and about to set up the tree. Unfortunately, we’re stuck waiting on Mr. Aggie (in the shower) or my brother (in the bed) because an increasingly-pregnant lady is apparently not allowed to assemble a tree or climb up a ladder to retrieve oversized boxes of decorations. Humph.

At least I’ve got the Christmas tunes going. That’s a start. I heart Christmas decorating/preparations to an almost unhealthy extent and I’m about to go insane waiting on one of the big lugs to get in here so we can get this party started.

Another date with Dr. Doom November 24, 2008

At my appointment this morning, everything looked great. I only gained two pounds, which is fantastic because I started eating cheese and fruit two weeks ago on the sly. I of course did not confess this to Dr. Doom. Would you?

I’m still measuring ahead of schedule and quite large, so he wants to do a sonogram tomorrow to see if Lenny is a sumo wrestler to-be or if there’s too much water in the pool. I’m excited to see him/her again. Mr. Aggie is taking off work to come along, mostly because he doesn’t think I can be trusted to see the kid again without checking out his/her private parts. And he’s right.

I’ll update tomorrow afternoon about the ultrasound. For now, I’m trying to limit my computer usage, lest my fingers wander over to Google and start researching all things terrible about excess fluid. Oh, I almost forgot. Proving yet again the universe has a sense of humor, my random fear of the week has been low fluid.

While I’m actively not-Googling, I’ll be writing thank you notes from our shower Friday night. “Dear random co-worker of Mr. Aggie, Thank you so much for the butt wipes. I can’t wait to use them!”

Before I go, I’m way behind on pictures of Lenny’s house. Here’s one from a week or two ago: