A post about (almost) nothing October 31, 2008

The party, like most things, did not live up to my expectations. I think this is part of why I’m such a cynic/pessimist. If I expect things to go badly, and they do, at least I have the satisfaction of being right. Despite this, I let myself get excited about the event and wound up disappointed. I spent a couple of hours drinking lime water (yeah, because that’s like a margarita) and making small talk with increasingly incoherent coworkers of Mr. Aggie. Since they were mostly his equals/superiors, I didn’t even have the pleasure of making fun of them.

Fortunately, Mr. Aggie was receptive to my nonverbal pleas to leave since we had to get up at 5:00 a.m. for a flight to South Padre. That was a much more enjoyable experience with my family. They (mom, dad, brother, grandparents) spent the rest of the week there but I had to come back to corral paste-eaters by Tuesday.

Today after work we’re off on another short-term adventure. What crazy lives we lead….

Oh, and the photo of our Juno costumes has been submitted for editing. I will post it (sans-faces) soon. You won’t be disappointed.

So.Freaking.Excited. October 23, 2008

Tomorrow is a day I have been looking forward to for months. Tomorrow night, we’re attending a costume party with Mr. Aggie’s coworkers and I am so superstoked about our costumes.  After much deliberation, I found the answer was staring me in the face. I’m Juno! We are the same person, if I had been so unfortunate as to get KU in high school.  I memorized the movie in two sittings, and it’s the only movie I’ve bought on DVD in five years. No lie.

The best part is that my awesome spouse agreed to go as Bleeker. He ordered the entire track costume–arm bands, headband, socks, shorts, shirt–off eBay and it’s freaking sweet.

I have never been so excited about a costume in my life. I’ll post some headless pictures next week so you can share in the awesomeness. Speaking of which, we’re going out of town this weekend and I won’t be back online until Tuesday. I just checked with my mom, and the place we’re going doesn’t have a reliable interwebs connection.  I don’t know how I’ll survive.

Oh, and since the blog is supposed to be all about my spawn, he/she has figured out how to wedge appendages under my ribcage. Not so awesome.

What an odd time for recess October 18, 2008

So I have been having some stomach/abdomen pain overnight the last few nights, usually mild but occasionally strong enough to wake me up. Last night (or early this morning) I got more information about what exactly was going on down there. At approximately 4:00 a.m., I woke to find Lenny had wadded himself up on the left side of my midsection to the point that the right side was almost completely flat. He then proceeded to use my internal organs as a drum set.

It was actually kind of cool-despite the discomfort-and I wanted to wake Mr. Aggie up to witness it. I decided it would be futile since it would take 20 min to wake him up, and he’d likely never remember it anyway. When I told him about it this morning he agreed that was probably a realistic prediction.

So to get even with the little punk (Lenny, not my husband) I rolled over to the other side quickly and sent his ass scrambling. This caused him to bounce off several of the same organs and was, in hindsight, not the best idea I’ve ever had. Of course, it was 4:00 in the morning.

Score one for the jackholes October 13, 2008

To each of the jerks who have ‘tactfully’ and not-so-tactfully commented on my weight gain, I issue you each a stern…concession. You’re right. Dr. Doom prononced me one lifeboat lighter than the Titanic this morning and further restricted my diet. I retaliated by informing him about the blog and his moniker herein, from which he seemed to derive pleasure. Evil bastard.

I’m healthy and Lenny’s healthy, but Dr. Doom does think he/she is going to be a very large baby. He said to ask him as we enter the last month how big the baby will be. I’m assuming that’s his version of a magic trick and I’m terrified. So much so that I actually clambered onto the treadmill today in hopes of warding off a 12 lb baby. Before you freak out, you should know that 30 minutes of moderate exercise is recommended for all pregnant women and it had been so long since I’d be on the machine of death that I didn’t realize the cleaning lady had dusted it. Two weeks ago. (If you’re smart, you’ll realize I hadn’t be on it in so long it had accumulated said layers of dust.)

Anyway, here’s an updated picture so you can watch the expansion in real time. I’m overhauling my diet and habits for the next three weeks to prove to myself (and Dr. Doom) that I can make it a month without gaining ten pounds. I’ve been this heavy before, once, and I’ve lost 40 pounds to be healthy again once before, too.  Again, this doesn’t mean I’ll be updating the blog from a sauna, where I’ll sit munching on celery sticks and sweating out last week’s cookies. It just means I’m going to quit making excuses and start making healthy choices. Stay tuned.

Awesomely inappropriate comment of the day October 9, 2008

“Wow! You’re just getting bigger every day now, aren’t you?”

Desired response; “Wow, you’re even more of a douche today than yesterday. Also remarkable!”

Actual response: “Hmmm, guess so.”

To the non-inhabited out there, my proposed retort probably seems like overkill. However, there’s something about the insanely destabilizing forces behind human-building that make one quite sensitive and hormonal. Telling a rapidly expanding, chemically-imbalanced woman that she is growing larger by the day is just not prudent. Trust me on this.

About the size of a house, I’m guessing October 7, 2008

So I had to call the bumbling University from which I have attained my Master’s degree in order to place my order for a graduation cap/gown.  As we know, this getup is unflattering on the most svelte amongst us and is even more heinous on mere mortals. Add to that the giant round pumpkin head that I’m sure I’ll have by then and multiply by the fact that I’ll require a gown with the approximate demensions of a circus tent, and you can see why I’ve put off making the call. Alas, it went something like this:

Me: Hi, I need to place an order for a cap and gown.

Surly clerk: Name?

Answered.

Surly clerk: Height?

Answered.

Surly clerk: Weight?

Pause. Explain the situation.

Surly Clerk: I’m going to need a weight.

Me: Sigh. Think. How much does a house weigh, exactly? Throw out a figure. [No, I'm not telling YOU].

All in all, she didn’t seem shocked nor did she faint. I’ll be sure to post pictures in December when the main attraction at the Big Top hits the stage.

Earmuffs! October 6, 2008

Now that Mr. Aggie and I know Lenny can hear outside noises, my dear spouse has taken to saying “Earmuffs!” and covering the sides of my belly before cursing. Well that’s the goal. In actuality, it’s usually an afterthought but he’s getting better.

Tonight the Red Sox are on, so I’m anticipating lots of earmuffs (from both parents).

Update from the sticks October 4, 2008

So we’re in my hometown visiting family for the weekend. We live in a metropolitan area about 2.5 hours from here and it’s always…interesting to come back to Smalltown, America. Mr. Aggie hadn’t ever been to a town where Walmart was both the single commerical mecca and town social center before he met me.  It was fun explaining directions from the airport to his relatives for our wedding: “So you’re going to fly into _____, where you’ll rent a car and drive 2.5 hours.” The driving directions actually included the phrase “turn left at the Piggly Wiggly.” Awesome.

I’m sure I’ll see old high school classmates today, since hardly anyone moves away, but my knocked-upedness (new word!) will not be newsworthy. The fact that I’m having my first at 25 is actually more notable since most people around here started popping them out right after high school graduation. Does that sound judgemental? I’m sure it does. I should be more understanding, but I just never could imagine growing up here and staying my whole life. It’s too…stifling I guess. Still, it’s nice to be able to visit Mayberry, especially now that our cell phones get reception here.

We’re off to eat lunch at my favorite Mexican restaraunt (Dr. Doom be damned) then to register at Walmart for our baby shower. There’s no other “baby store” or really, any store, for ninety miles so we need to pick out stuff there. I’m excited.